Closer, my Jesus

This sums up almost exactly how I feel right about now. I'm so utterly distracted by anything and everything. I need to get close to my Father...NOW.

I Don't Wanna Fall Away From You
*~*
After all the things that you have shown me,
I'd be a fool to let them slip away,
In doing things I know I shouldn't do,
But I don't want to fall away from you, from you.
~*~*~

After all, I've only grieved your spirit,
And then I don't know why you stay with me.
But every time I fall your love comes through,
And I don't want to fall away from you.
~*~

When the light is gone, and good times are getting old,
There's no one left to count on, and all my friends are cold,
When I thirst for love oh Lord, you're a fountain to my soul,
My soul, my soul, oh Lord, my soul.
~*~*~

In a way my life is full of burdens,
But in a way you carry them from me, Jesus.
Cause no one understands the way you do,
And you know Lord, I don't want to fall away from you.
*~*

Well every day I pray to start anew,
Cause I don't want to fall away from you.
No Lord, I don't wanna fall away from you,
No Lord, I don't wanna fall away from you,
From you…..Lord.

~*~*Keith Green*~*~

Ugh, I HATE cereal!!!!

" target="_blank" STYLE="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"> My Cereal Personality Is... Quaker Oats In the world of cereal mascots, it doesn't get any worse than the Quaker Oats guy. Nothing about you is fun or exciting. Also we are pretty sure that you signed the Declaration of Independence. Quaker Oats always has been and always will be the breakfast choice of Horses.

Oh so in need o' sleep

Desperately needing to get my thoughts in order.
I'm so hungry right now its not even funny, and I feel like I've been running on a mess of warn out emotions all day.
Went to a concert at church tonight, that was fun. Also ran into a friend that I haven't seen in at least a year or two...wild.
Watched a movie this afternoon about widows in India...heartbreaking and caused me to think...never a good thing.
I've started to feel really lonely again, and I don't know why. It's really stupid. I'll be alone and all I can think about is how very much I want someone to talk to, someone who cares and really wants to be my friend. Then, the moment I'm around these people I only find excuses to get away. I think something's wrong with me. I want fellowship, but it scares me when I get it. I'm tired of this feeling of loneliness that I can't seem to shake anymore. It's around me all the time lately. I feel like there's something big I'm missing, something to cure me of this once and for all. I've been keeping close to Jesus...although, I have felt spiritual battles stronger of late. I don't understand, mostly because I've never really had trouble making and keeping friends before. There were times in my childhood that I became discouraged from lack of really GOOD friends, but at least they were there. Now I have even better friends around me than I could ever imagine, but I make no attempt to take advantage of this gift. I avoid them, I'm rude and reclusive. I don't always come across this way, thank goodness, but I constantly struggle with feeling it. Sometimes I feel like I'm crying inside and there's no one to listen. And you know what? Most of this is probably all my fault...maybe no one's listening to me because I don't let them or want them to. But I don't want to become the person who's always forcing her problems and emotions on other people; that's not who I am at all. I'd rather hold everything in and unload on my trusty blog or in prayer to my Father than have to talk to an actual person who could let me down, break my heart, or get annoyed with my presence. I don't like to admit this, especially about people...but I've been disappointed a lot, especially in the last year. I tried so hard to hold onto friends I thought I could trust, then rushed into pouring out my heart in large chunks hoping for some relief and support. All I got was hurt again and again. Now I'm just really tired of trying.
I give tonight's heavy heart to Jesus, because He alone understands.
Queen of the Cats

Yes Dahhhling, I am a lady!

I found this rather amusing!!! And yes I did answer honestly!!

You Are 76% Lady

Overall, you are a refined lady with excellent manners.But you also know when to relax and not get too serious about etiquette

Are You A Lady?

Waiting for My Knight to Come

So I just got through watching Sahara with my parents. Gosh darn it, I love that movie. Yes I do. Wow but it was making me think a lot about weakness in females.
*^*^*
You know as a girl I've certainly gone through all my stages. First, there was my 5-9 year old stage where I saw myself as the incredibly beautiful and irresistible princess type, whom all the little neighborhood boys were required to fall madly in love with (yes, REQUIRED). Actually, on several occasions I remember giving my version of a marriage proposal to quite nervous and unsuspecting fellows (My version being, "Nathan, one day I WILL marry you.")
*^*
Then when I was about ten years old through Jr. High I went through my tough ninja girl stage, mostly inspired by a dear, neighborhood friend who quite crushed all my ideas of romance with his sheer boyishness. Oh, but I enjoyed that time in my life!!! It was at this point that I once punched a neighborhood boy so hard I knocked him clear to the ground (grant it, he was half my size), and I gave some biting insults to a boy five years older than me (who kindly waited till I was out of earshot to bust out laughing, I'm sure). Well, at least I believed I was tough; that was enough for me.
*^*^*
But when high school came around I went into an entirely new phase. I no longer felt romantically pushy or hopelessly tomboyish. I wanted someone to love me, but for being a kind, gentle girl. The sort of woman and friend outlined in the Bible.
*^*
All of the sudden it wasn't about my abilities or being able to flirt or show off to the boys, but more like being able to help them or befriend them if they so cared about me.
*^*^*
And you know what I was thinking tonight? I wouldn't mind being a princess. Now before you go off on me thinking I'm some sort of horribly weak useless person, I do have a point with this. I'm not saying I hope some bad guy comes to hurt me so that "Sir Knight in Shining Armor" will come to carry "Miss Damsel in Distress" away to "Shining Castle on the Hill." And I do believe that women should learn how to defend themselves and such in the world we live in (although that's another point altogether).
*^*
But I'm just trying to say that I enjoy my femininity. I enjoy being a girl, the weaker gender per say. I have nothing against nice gentleman boys being nice gentleman boys. The extremely old-fashioned Anne-of-Green-Gables romantic side of me still believes that girls can keep their personalities and identities while being swept off their feet by a wonderful strong man who will complete them.
*^*^*
Somehow this all shows me so clearly of God's love too. Sometimes I think that it's actually harder for men and more tomboyish women to understand some of God's attributes more fully because its harder for them to be broken. For girly-girls like me, with my emotions spread all over the place and my occasional break-downs getting the best of me, my greatest desire is often to be held tight in the arms of someone who will love me unconditionally. Yes, everyone has this desire too (except for the ones who have hardened their hearts to it completely) but sometimes I think most people often forget what it's really there for.
*^*
Yes, we need human contact, we need fellowship, but as my friend Adam put it quite wisely "...it is nice to have someone who'll just listen to you...although God alone should suffice..." I believe that much of that desire for love and a "hero" for girls comes from their innermost desire for the kind of intimacy and attention God wants to pour down on us.
*^*^*
Going to college, it's been easy to get consumed with warped views of gender equality and feminism. I pray that I never lose the need for my true Knight in Shining Armor to come down and rescue me from this world I'm living in.
Waiting as always...

Queen of the Cats

And the award for Blog Entry Which Most Reeks of Drama goes to

stupid blogger site...hates me...frustrating in every way....is trying to ruin my life most definitely. every little thing I try to do.
Nope sorry, can't put pictures on any more. Oh no, hunny, how dare you even think about writing in a text size that is remotely readable...we prefer ant-dropping sized letters, much much better for proper conservation of space.
you know what? No...NO I SAY!!! I've had enough!!! If I want to put pictures or write in a certain text then I expect to be able to do what i darn well please!!! If only I could figure out how to go about convincing them of this... *sigh*
Anywhoo, I'm sick...and I'm tired.......and I think it's quite possible that I failed my algebra test this afternoon. unnecessarily, mind you. So I'm not in the most agreeable mood ever, although God is still good, despite my failures and my whining. And someday I won't ever get sick again!!! Whoo hoo!!! :-)

Queen of the Cats

Runnin' on two whole hours of sleep...

I get to go see Allison Krauss in concert for my birthday!!! Oh yes, who is a happy girl??? I AM!! And one of my closest guyfriends is coming with me!! Wow that's still in a couple of months, but I'm so excited I just had to announce it!!! And if this makes me seem rather bipolar compared to my last post, then so be it. I'm a girl, deal with my scariness. MWA-HAHA!!!!!! =^_^=

Queen of the Cats

Random Thoughts...

Putting together the pieces after falling apart is never easy. Gah, I speak as if I were some kind of middle-aged clinically insane loser. My mind isn't exactly working tonight, but bear with for I need something to get back on track before I finish my homework for tomorrow.

School has been great. And I really mean that. Although I despise composition. You know, I shouldn't, but I do. It's just one of those things I guess. I hate the work, and I hate the deadlines...blah. I shall never become a journalist, you can bet on that one.

My teachers are nice. Some more normal than others, but there is no standard definition for normality when you really think about it, right? For anyone who had their doubts, community college is the smartest thing ever and yes I am horribly biased with no alternate experience.

Grrr, I have been so tired. I actually took a nap right along with the kid I was babysitting tonight. I can't seem to get enough sleep lately. Maybe it's due to the fact that I haven't really been sleeping at night. Yes, there is such a thing called studying...I do it...at the last minute, yes, but still that's pretty impressive if you ask me.

My friends have been wonderful to me these past few weeks. I'm still looking for someone I can really trust outside of the family. My sister will always be my best friend, but I'd really love to find someone my own age as a sort of accountability partner and such. It's been hard. I don't make new friends as easily now as I used to and it takes so long to become truly close to someone. I've been pretty discouraged. The brokenness last week was incredible, but now I'm depending on God to build me up again. Trying to stay close to Him despite everything that's been pulling me down. It would be nice to have someone to talk to. I never cared about things like that before, maybe that's why I never made a really close friend.

I've also been feeling pretty lonely lately. I know that's stupid, and a lie from the enemy. I've tried to shake it by staying in the word and close to God in prayer, but it keeps creeping in. I feel like this battle won't leave me lately. Even when I'm with people, I feel like there's no way they could possibly want to be around me. I feel uncomfortable, and look for the first excuse to leave. I know this is all so silly, there's no back-up for these deductions I come to but I let them take over anyways.

I guess to sum it all up. I'm forgiven by God's grace yet still just barely being held together. And this is mostly all based on feeling, mind you. Feelings are evil, and I despise them. So much deeper than that, I am filled with joy if not perfect contentedness. And I am blessed by so much despite the fact that I feel defeated.

Well I will go now and finish my work before I fall completely asleep at the computer.

Queen of the Cats

Rushing Wind

Rushing Wind

Rushing wind blow through this temple,
Blowing out the dust within,
Come and breathe your breath upon me,
I've been born again.
*~*~*

Holy Spirit, I surrender, take me where you want to go,
Plant me by your living water,
Plant me deep so I can grow.
*~*

Jesus, you’re the one, who sets my spirit free,
Use me Lord, glorify, your Holy Name through me.
*~*

Separate me from this world Lord.
Sanctify my life for you.
Daily change me to your image,
Help me bear good fruit.
*~*~*

Every day you're drawing closer.
Trials come to test my faith.
But when all is said and done Lord,
You know, it was worth the wait.
*~*

Jesus, you’re the one, who set my spirit free,
Use me Lord, glorify, your Holy Name through me.
*~*

Rushing wind blow through this temple,
Blowing out the dust within,
Come and breathe your breath upon me,
For I've been born again.

*~*Keith Green*~*

The Prodigal Daughter

A brand new start for me...

Strange how you can be so caught up in life and routine and essentially pleasing the world that you forget why you were living in the first place.

I didn't think it would happen to me...believers rarely do. I didn't know how to escape either.

At first it creeps into your life so slowly you hardly realize this draining of spirit and entering of sin is taking place. After a while, it hits you. You don't love the same anymore. You don't feel the same happiness or drive to do works for your Lord. You harden yourself to the pain and cry of the world around you. Why should it matter anymore, right? You're just one of them after all, searching and wondering how your life got to that same level of ignorance.

It's like being freshly trapped in a prison of your own crimes. You know what's going on in the world around you; for you were so recently free you can still almost feel it. Yet you stare at the cold, sunken faces surrounding you and realize you have no right to tell them the truth. There's a fatal battle going on outside for their souls, but how can you be the one to tell them when you're sentenced to death for the very same sins they are? It seems hypocritical...you're own unworthiness hits you like a wave and you sit by yourself quiet, hurt, awaiting yet another unfulfilled and uneventful day.

I had Jesus...He never left me, and will never leave me. His word promises me of this truth. Yet a life separated from His spirit by choice is one that no believer should ever have to suffer through. He wants not only the repentance and the promises but the life of love that only comes from a strong relationship with Him.

Relationships are work...I am realizing this more and more each day. I have let down a lot of friends due to my faulty human-defined relationship work. I am selfish and have hurt a lot of people and made a lot of excuses for my behavior.

I may have caused pain to them and myself, but I hurt Jesus far worse. He doesn't ever deserve the bad end of my hypocrisy and half-hearted Christian walk, and yet He was so incredibly willing to take me back when I came to Him in repentance last night. The prodigal daughter is once again safe in the arms of her loving Father.

Praise you Lord, for your unfailing grace and mercy on me every time I fail you and give in to temptation and sin, but return.

The PsychoKitty Speaks Out

Ok I love this site!!! Yes, a cat blog site written by a cat. Pure brilliance! Now why didn't I think of that??
Haha, and I now have TWO whole blogs for August!! WOOT WOOT!!

Queen of the Cats

The PsychoKitty Speaks Out

An August Blog

Holy Cow!!! I have not written a single blog entry in August and HELLO the month is almost o'er!! Well, i have to say that I had the busiest and MOST FULFILLING summer of my life. And I am now in my third week of college...what a shocker right?! Well, I am rather tired tonight and have much homework to do for tomorrow, so as much as I'd like to make what will likely be my only August Blog memorable, I think I must end it now. Many Smileys at any rate and blessings on all who read...

Queen of the Cats

Dust to Dust...

Not much to say tonight except that I am too incredibly excited for words about leaving for Mexico tomorrow. Hence the reason that I am incapable of sleeping right now or any time soon. I was thinking of a song though and wanted to put it up here. Its what is in my heart right now...God gave it to me for a reason, as always.

Dust To Dust

Sometimes it's hard to see,
Sometimes it's hard to get through to me,
But I want to do all that you ask me to.
*~*

Help me to follow through,
Make every day a devotion to you,
Cause it's dust to dust, until we learn how to trust.
*~*~*

Sometimes I wander away,
And I'm lost in the dark, my faith starts to sway
I don't know what to do, so I cry out to you.
And I reach out in the air,
And I call out Your name and you're always there,
Then you send down your light,
Then you tell me, walk by faith not by sight,
And then you come shining down.
*~*~*

I'm putting Your armor on,
Finding myself so suddenly drawn,
Like a moth a flame, whenever you call my name.
*~*

Help me to follow through,
Make every day a devotion to you,
Cause it's dust to dust, until we learn how to trust.
*~*~*

Sometimes I wander away,
And I'm lost in the dark, my faith starts to sway
I don't know what to do, so I cry out to you.
And I reach out in the air,
And I call out Your name and you're always there,
Then you send down your light,
Then you tell me, walk by faith not by sight,
And then you come shining down.
*~*~*

Sometimes it's hard to see,
You know, sometimes it's hard to get through to me,
Sometimes it's hard to see,
You know, sometimes it's hard to get through to me,
But it's dust to dust until we learn how to trust.
Until we learn how to trust.

~*~*~*~*~

*~*Keith Green*~*

The Big Dipper

I am still in quite a deep spiritual mood from the movie last night. ;-) Somehow that always ends up putting me in a reminiscent type of mood too. I'm not sure how they're so closely linked, but they are! So I've been looking back through some of my old journals and notebooks and things. I realized that I've never yet shared one of my "stories" yet. well i want to although they are all a bit sappy I suppose. This is one of my favorites because it's about my Grandma who went to be with Jesus when I was ten. I wrote it April 17, 2005. Enjoy...

The Big Dipper

I stand out in the desert on a summer evening. A warm breeze passes by, gently caressing my face and filling me with a sense of the magic and wonder of the night. I take in all of the beauty surrounding me; close my eyes and breathe deeply of the pure and wild fragrance on the air. Ahh... I smell Joshua trees and cacti mixed with a hint of wildflowers. Such a unique and fascinating blend of scents it is, different from any I have ever known before.

*~*

I look up at the night sky now. Deep, black majestic, it stretches on and on endlessly, leaping over the mountains far in the distance; not blocked by either buildings, houses or trees, but sprinkled all over with a sparkling display of stars cast by God's own hand.

~*~

Beautiful stars, so many surround me. And yet I have no telescope, no binoculars. With only my naked eye I can see hundreds of stars in the desert night sky. But as I look over this marvelous display, there is only one constellation I truly seek.

*~*

I am no astronomer and it takes me a while to pinpoint its exact location. Finally, after a few minutes of sorting through the stars, I find it. Shining out in all its glory, I find the seven stars that make up the Big Dipper. to most people, this constellation is simply fun and comical, the object of much imagination. But to me, it means more...it is the object of much memory.

~*~

I am taken back to a different time and a very different place. The place is the city, a land filled with bright street lights and corporation buildings, loud cars, and tall houses. I am five years old, an energetic, scheming young girl with blue eyes, brown hair, and a strong strong will.

*~*

I like to spend time with my Grammy. She is fun to play with, and although I keep her on her toes, I know I fill her life with sunshine! We are playing in her garage one evening when she says, "Let's go have a look at the stars!" I get excited as she picks up my little sister and we walk out into the alley between my garage and hers.

~*~

My Grammy knows the name of one constellation and only one. As we stand there, our heads pointed upward, scanning the sky, she says to me, "Let's find the Big Dipper...Help me find the Big Dipper."

*~*

Just then my mother walks out of my garage and comes over to see what we are doing. "We're looking for the Big Dipper!" I inform her enthusiastically, pointing to the sky. All all four of us stare until our necks begin to ache.

~*~

But alas! The smog and bright lights of the city block everything but the moon, the North Star, and a few other particularly bright stars. Mama turns to Grammy and says, "It's just too cloudy tonight, Ma. We'll have to try again some other night. But now it's time for the girls to get to bed."

*~*

I am disappointed, but not as much as Grammy is. I am not sure whether she is more sad at not finding the Big Dipper or at having to say goodbye to us. Reluctantly, she kissed my sister and hands her to Mama, then bends down to give me a hug. I'll never forget the look on her face as we leave.

~*~

As I reminisce about all this tonight, my mind is also filled with many other things.

The stars have changed since then. they have become brighter, clearer, more vivid. I too have changed a bit. I am now a tall, gray-eyed young woman of sixteen.

*~*

I look up at that familiar constellation and cannot help but wish so badly that my Grammy could be here to see it with me. Then it occurs to me that maybe she can. In fact, i bet Grammy can experience all the glory of the Dipper even closer and more vividly than i ever will be able to here on earth. She may be sitting on the end of that enormous ladle right now, enjoying the universe from a new perspective and looking down on me. I know she is now so much closer to many of the things she loves, then when she was on earth.

~*~

I wave to my Grammy and blow her a kiss. I know that she saw and returned it with a smile.

*~*~*~*

Still needs a bit of editing, I know. But now you know how I fill me spare time! :-)

Queen of the Cats

Crying Out for a Savior

Hmmm, what to write. So much on my mind, and yet I'm not really sure what to say.
I saw Superman Returns tonight with my dad. It was wonderful!!!! My favorite scene was the one where Superman takes Lois on a flight over the city. I looked at it through a Christian perspective...as if it was a personal conversation from the heart of a human to the love of a Savior. I want to try to retell the scene, although I will most certainly butcher some of the lines. Here goes:

Lois *trying to understand why Superman left her*: The world doesn't need a Savior and neither do I.
Superman looks at her with understanding and compassion and convinces her to let him take her on a flight. Lois steps into his arms and they float out over the city.
Lois: I forgot how warm you are.
They fly far out into the clouds and stop there.
Superman: What do you hear?
Lois: Nothing.
Superman: I hear everything. *pauses and looks deep into her eyes* I hear the world crying out for a Savior.

The meaning~ as humans, we are so incredibly limited in our understanding. The look on Lois's face was one of such childish innocence. We cry out to our Savior like little children. "Why, God??? Why did You leave me??? If You were here with me none of this would have happened? If You don't care, then I don't need You anymore and neither does anyone else." But what we fail to realize is that He is there every step of the way. He waits to take each one of his children into his big, strong arms and fly us up above all the pain and sadness, making our burdens His own. He longs to look deeply into our eyes and tell us just how much He loves us and wants to be our only love and Lord every day of our lives. Why do we reject that? Why do we continue to turn down the One Who can hold us tighter and care for us more dearly than anything we have ever or will ever know in this world? I'm pretty upset right now. I think I'm going to go have a good cry...
To everyone who has the chance, go see this movie. It really touched me in a way I didn't think it would.

Queen of the Cats

Make My Life a Prayer

One of my most favorite songs. The words are incredible. They speak straight to my heart. Enjoy...

Make My Life a Prayer

~*~*~*~

Make my life a prayer to You

I want to do what You want my to

No empty words and no white lies

No token prayers, no compromise

~*~*~

I want to shine the light You gave

Through Your Son You sent to save us

From ourselves and our despair

It comforts me to know You're really there

*~*~*

And I want to thank You now

For being patient with me

Oh, it's so hard to see

When my eyes are on me

~*~*~

I guess I'll have to trust

And just believe what You say

Oh, You're coming again

Coming to take me away

*~*~*

I want to die and let You give

Your life to me so I might live

And share the hope You gave to me

The love that set me free

~*~*~

I want to tell the world out there

You're not some fable or fairy tale

That I've made up inside my head

You're God, the Son, You've risen from the dead

*~*~*

Oh, I want to thank You now

For being patient with me

Oh, it's so hard to see

When my eyes are on me

~*~*~

I guess I'll have to trust

And just believe what you say

Oh, You're coming again

Coming to take me away

*~*~*

I wanna die and let You give

Your life to me so I might live

And share the hope You gave to me

I want to share the love that set me free.

~~~~

~*~Keith Green~*~

To my Girls...

Oh my, I just have to say something important right now. Cat and Smelley rock my world because they are just the most wonderful friends a girl could want and they make life so much more sweeter. I love you my dears who are also the only ones that read this pathetic excuse for a blog. Sorry that I haven't been writing; I have been busy. Well that's it...God bless and goodnight...

Queen of the Cats

To Laugh Or Not To Laugh

Ok, here's a question that has been bothering me all weekend. Am I funny? Well I would have to say no. To have an even relatively good sense of humor one must be able to think quick and pay attention. I do neither almost all the time. Someone asks me a question and I have no clue what they are talking about because I wasn't listening to the first five minutes of the conversation even though I may or may not have been one of the members speaking myself. So here's another question that puzzles me horribly. Why do others find me funny? I might say something with utter seriousness and honesty and all my friends start to crack up. Later on I might think it over, and find that maybe it was a tiny bit amusing but still no great cause for laughter. I feel like such a child. That's exactly how kids feel when older people don't take them seriously or misinterpret what they were trying to say in all innocence and simplicity. If only the world didn't always feel like it had to complicate matters so. That's really what it comes down to, I suppose. We would all be better people for it. Course then we would also all be blonde. Hmmm, never mind; maybe that's not such a good thing after all...

Queen of the Cats

Walk By Faith

I've been thinking of this Jeremy Camp song all morning. Every once in a while I truly believe that God gives you a song to meditate on to get you through the day. This one is mine today.

Walk By Faith
*~*~*~*

Would I believe you when you would say

Your hand will guide my every way

Will I receive the words You say

Every moment of every day
*~*~*

Well I will walk by faith

Even when I cannot see

Well because this broken road

Prepares Your will for me
~*~*~

Help me to win my endless fears

You've been so faithful for all my years

With the one breath You make me

Your grace covers all I do
*~*~*

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya
~*~*~

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face

Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
*~*~*

Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)

Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
~*~*~

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith

I will, I will, I will walk by faith

*~*~*

*~*Jeremy Camp*~*

A Wise Saying...

You know what I decided? The blonde mind is really just the combination of a small amount of attention deficit disorder and a vast arena of empty space...

Queen of the Cats

Just One in a Million

Grrr....I am so sleepy. Stayed up late last night after attending yet another high school graduation. So many people moving on and doing lovely things with their lives. It's exciting to watch. The reception last night was a bit of a pain though. Far too much noise and movement in too small of a space. I don't mind being somewhat surrounded by people, as long as they keep to a distance of approximately 15 to 20 feet away and keep their voices down to a whisper. But when completely consumed by an obnoxiously noisy crowd on every side with no possible hope for escape and driven by the unexplainable desire to congratulate every senior before leaving, I become strange. Start to sweat, nervously play with my hands, lose all focus, stop breathing...it's rather an interesting phenomenon. I believe it's some sort of a combination of mild claustrophobia, noise sensitivity, strong dislike of physical contact, and mild ADD which adds to my already confused nature. Makes for one weird kitty. Well, I must fly. Have another grad to attend this morning. On second thought...maybe I'll just lock myself up in a small dark room and spend the rest of the week contemplating the meaninglessness of social life.

Queen of the Cats

Surprise...TEARS!!

Well I expected my mom to cry at my graduation. I expected my sister to cry. I expected at least one of my friends to cry. I even considered the fact that my dad might get a bit emotional, but there was one person that I never dreamed would fall apart. Myself. I seriously cried more than all the rest of them combined. It was so pathetic. It started when I was watching the slide show that they put together of the seniors. The picture of my grandma and I came up and I choked. Then when I got on stage and my dad started to speak, I just couldn't take it anymore. It was as if all the emotions of this past year finally caught up with me and I had to let them out. I think everyone was a little bit shocked, including myself. It's not everyday that I cry, let alone cry in front of a room full of people, half of which I have never met before in my life. But it almost felt good at the same time. This sort of thing would embarrass me horribly under normal circumstances, but for some reason it seemed to fit just fine for my grad. I cannot believe that I'm done now, but the blessings I received from my family and friends were so overwhelming. I have a lot to think about and look forward to. :-)

God, I praise Your name for all the blessings You have poured out on my in this life, and for all that I have to look forward to.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall?

I can't tell you how quickly this day crept up on me or even why I'm so excited about it, but graduation is only three days away and nothing has currently captured more of my thoughts than it has!! Only three days... Three days until what? Do you understand what this means? This is the only day other than my wedding day that I've dreamt about since I was a very small girl. Every year since I was in the first grade, I have looked up on stage and watched the seniors receive their official high school diplomas, diplomas which ensure them that their career as ordinary students is over forever; that they can now move on to something much bigger and more exciting. Now that little girl who has watched patiently for the past eleven years is about to get her chance.

You know, I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day. Mirrors are such interesting inventions; for some they are nothing more than a means of checking up on their appearance, and making sure they look their best. Other people find mirrors to be a pedestal on which they can worship themselves in the privacy of their own rooms. Mirrors have been the subject of fantasy, fear, imagination, and symbolism for hundreds of years. To me a mirror is both my best friend and worst enemy. It is my worst enemy in the physical sense only; it forces me to see what I do not wish about myself. It is my best friend in the most literal sense of the word, pathetically enough. I don't have a lot of close friends; friends that I love and adore, yes, but rarely ones that I am close to in spirit. When I was a kid my best friends were always my cats. I knew I could tell them EVERYTHING, and I did. I do not have cats anymore so I have to improvise. I began by simply looking in the mirror while thinking to myself everyday. It was a way of getting my thoughts in order, I suppose, and not an easy task for I am hopelessly scatter-brained. Gradually I began speaking out loud, first in whisper only, now as loud as I can without being overheard. I know it sounds silly, even crazy, and sometimes it makes me angry that I can be better friends to a mirror than I can to a living person. Sometimes I even fear that my friendship with the mirror has taken away from my relationship with God a bit, not much, but every little bit is too much taken from Him. So I try to stay away from my mirror no matter how much she wishes me to draw near to her.

Where was I going with this?????? Oh my, I am so lost. I think I meant to go off into a description of how I looked in the mirror the other day in order to see if I was really cut out to be a graduate; sort of a non-self-absorbed "mirror, mirror on the wall" type of thing. But apparently my mind is not cooperating with my hands today. So I'll leave it at this: I am excited about graduation and ultimately blessed by God as always. Smileys...

Queen of the Cats

In Between

One of my best friends wrote the most beautiful poem/song that I just had to share. She has such creativity and a love for God and she blows me away when she comes up with stuff like this (mostly because I don't have a poetic bone in my body!!). Enjoy...

In Between

~*~*~

Night falls deeper than the sky
Day breaks faster than the night

I've felt your touch so many times
Though I may fall, I know you're mine
You held my hand so I could stand
For you and fall again.

My heart is racing
And I am chasing
Running to you with all my might
(with all my might)

Though I am weak
You never fail
You're always there to hold my veil
Out of my face.

Covered in Your blood
I can feel you running through my veins
(Like a drug, I'm so addicted)

We killed him, he died and rose
Doesn't He deserve our souls?

~*~*(C)Danielle R. E.~*~

One More Thing...

I want to mention that I fell out of bed this morning...hard, very hard. Not a really interesting reason either, just simple turned over to shut off my most annoying alarm clock and PLOP! Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, legs up in the air, blanket wrapped around me like a mummy, and alarm continuing to ring in all it's glory. So you'll have to excuse my last blog, the head's still just a bit jostled from the fall.

Queen of the Cats

Shallowness is Way Overrated

Okay let's get something straight right now before I go and make a complete fool of myself...again. I love people, I really do. Sometimes I don't necessarily want to be anywhere near them, but I always love them. I'm not only very fond of my friends, but all sorts of other people too whether they're like me or not (because, well lets just face it, NO ONE is like me). Okay with that said and out of the way, I need to get something off my chest. There is one group of people in this world that I find very difficult to get along with and even love sometimes. Cheerleaders. Oh the scariness. I'm not really opposed to any one of them in particular (on average), but more like the bunch of them as a whole; everything they stand for, their personalities, their boyfriends... it's all built upon a foundation of shallowness and insincerity. I've known a heck of a lot of affected people in my life, even befriended some on rare occasion, and let me tell you right now that there is no one worse than the cheerleaders. No, I am not jealous. They may be able to apply their make-up without flaw and face the world without fear of rejection while nerdy girls like me have to fight to be different and unique, but I'll take my life any day over theirs. After all, it must get rather tiring to be so incredibly perfect all the time, right? Yeah so I'm not trying to judge, simply to be honest. And just for the record there are some truly sweet and sincere cheerleaders out there too. They're a bit more difficult to find though.

Queen of the Cats

The Detective's View

Nothing is more convicting than knowing in your heart that you need to change, whether it be from God's Word speaking to you or just your own realization that you cannot go on living a certain way. I have a lot of faults. I suppose everyone does, but I wouldn't know for sure. After all, I am only me and can only speak for myself. Sometimes I'll find a new fault that has always been there; I just hadn't acknowledged it yet. This particular one is frustrating only in that it really takes hold of my emotions in little everyday things. I have mentioned that I'm quite analytical; nothing is truer. Most people would not believe this about me only because it is a known fact that I am rather slow. Everyone knows and accepts it, even I do in most areas. But sometimes I'm sharper than my friends or family realize. I'll notice a certain look someone gave or a simple word spoken that everyone else overlooked. Then I take it and analyze it to death, taking into consideration every part, side, and story it could possibly hold for everyone involved. Sometimes I'll take whole evenings dwelling on these little things. It really is a waste of time because not only does it take up hours, but it often causes me to blow things way out of proportion. I don't really mean to continue to do this with every circumstance I'm in and answer I am given, but most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it anymore. I think it has caused other problems for me too, like feeding my already annoying dramatic side. It does amaze me, however, at just how complex a person's emotions and personality can be. You may think you know everything there is to know about someone or even yourself to some extent, but then one day you find out that you don't. And when something new is revealed it never ceases to cause surprise and amazement at the beautiful detail our Maker put into each one of us. Maybe that's the only logical way to look at this, not as a fault but as a personality trait that can be either good or bad depending on how I choose to use it. Maybe I should just go and become a detective. Well that does give me some career possibilities, now doesn't it? :-)

Queen of the Cats

Ready, Willing, and Waiting

It never ceases to amaze me the way my Lord is able to use something that should very well have been a heartbreaking circumstance for the goodness of His plan and will. This even includes taking bad nights and turning them into something good. By all means last night should have been a particularly bad night for me. I ran into a friend that I've worried over, prayed for, and haven't seen in exactly a year. Got to talking to him and found that he hasn't changed much since then. He is still lost somewhere in his own definition of truth and reality instead of relying upon and accepting God's. But I say he hasn't changed much because he has changed, a little. Last night I noticed two things about him. When I looked in his eyes, I noticed that the presence of hard-heartedness was absent. He still had the same lost and hurting type of look, but the I-hate-God-and-am-blocking-out-every-word-you-say look was gone. He came up to me completely voluntarily (and rather randomly, I may add) and wanted to explain to me everything he believed in, whether I cared to know or not. But I did care very much. And he also let me explain what I believed, which was even more amazing. The second thing I noticed about him was that his reason for doing things and wanting things had shifted slightly. Instead of pursuing desires merely for physical and worldly purposes, he now cared about such beautiful ideals as love, acceptance, and family value. It surprised me the way he was able to look me in the eye and speak of these things with a level of consistency. Although last night should have been a heartbreaking one for me, it was not. For the first time I was able to look inside this friend's heart and see the hopelessness and searching he is struggling with, and yet I don't feel depressed or worried or upset as I usually do under these circumstances. In fact, if anything, I am in so much peace and encouragement right now. I may not have all the answers or even any of them, but I do have a friend who is willing to listen. That's all I ask, and that's the first thing God asks too. A heart ready, willing, and waiting. Ready for answers, willing for conviction, waiting for truth.

Queen of the Cats

My Favorite Love Song

Yes, so this is my song!! MY song, the one I love, adore, obsess over, will play most definitely at my wedding! Best version was done by who else?? Alison Krauss!!! Enjoy!

When You Say Nothing At All

~~~~~

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart

Without saying a word you light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain

What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me

The touch of your hands says you'll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud

But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd

Old Mr. Webster could never describe

What's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me

The touch of your hands says you'll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

A Tribute to Mankind

Don't you find it incredible how a single word, gesture, glance, ect., can completely and instantly alter the current emotional being of a woman? No wonder men get so confused. I don't blame them one bit. I mean one instant a girl is happy, content; the next one can only hope to escape the great extent of her wrath. One moment she in sunk down into the greatest depths of despair and depression; the very next milli-second she's laughing so hard you would think she could burst. I honestly don't know how the men put up with it. It really just doesn't seem fair to them. So I salute you, males of the world, for living with and loving our quirks, our emotions, our annoyances, and our crazy antics just the way they are. It is every one of you who make up true heroes! As always...

Queen of the Cats

Grace by which I stand...

I was meditating on grace a little bit today. Isn't it amazing that an all powerful God would love every one of us here on earth so much that He beckons us back to Him with arms wide open even when we've made the most horrible mistakes? Even when we've left His side to follow our own whims? He never leaves and never gives up. It makes my heart break even more over the thought that I'm capable of hurting him over and over again, while armed with this knowledge. I shouldn't have been given love this deep or grace this pure. But I was. And He continues to give it freely no matter how much each one of us breaks His heart. I want to stay in a consistent walk with my father. this is so difficult to do, but something that has helped me lately is a quote I heard.

"To love the Lord less today than you did yesterday is to start backsliding."

I never looked at my spiritual walk in such a direct and straightforward manner. But it's helped me to evaluate the way I approach God every day, and I can feel myself growing stronger.

Father, keep me pure in Your grace and strong in Your love.

Being a kid!

Love where I am in life, but it's nice to remember the simplicity of childhood too. I loved this and had to put it up!

Close your eyes... And go back...
Before the Internet or the AIM
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX
Before the 5 hours of homework you put off every night...
Way back...
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.
Red light, Green light.
Playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Mother May I?
Red Rover
four square
Hula Hoops
Running through the sprinkler
Happy Meals
Getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car Wait...
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons
Like Hey Arnold and Doug
Or what about legends of the hidden temple, global guts, double dare, and who, ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK!
Who could forget Snick
Or the teenage mutant ninja turtles, and Power Rangers, Christmas morning...
Your first day of school
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Climbing trees
Getting an ice cream off the ice cream truck, A million mosquito bites, and sticky fingers. Jumpin' down the steps, Jumpin' on the bed, Pillow fights, Runnin' till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt and you almost peed your pants. Being tired from playin' all day, Your first crush...
Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer
Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars or spokes.
When getting high was swinging on the swingset. When $5 seemed like a million, and another dollar a Miracle.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were so cool.
When Toys r Us overruled the "mall"
I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "monopoly"
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom
Nobody was cooler than Dad
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting an inch of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!

Queen of the Cats

Sometimes I Forget...

Sometimes I forget...

That others are hurting

Sometimes I forget...

What it feels like to have your heart broken. To feel the pain of overwhelming circumstances take over.

Sometimes I forget...

What it's like to feel so helpless that you blame God. To feel so sad that you don't know what to say.

Sometimes I forget...

How to sympathize with the pain of others. How to cry their tears and make their sadness my own.

Sometimes I forget...

That I was once in their shoes myself.


It can be so easy sometimes to forget or purposely brush aside the trials of others during the happy times of life. That doesn't mean that it is wrong to enjoy happiness or contentment. But to harden your heart to the pain of others is a curse that frightens me every time I find it in myself. It's times like today when I really remember that there are still people that hurt, people who need a miracle, who need my prayer, even if I forget how to feel their pain.

God soften my heart to the heartbreak in the world around me.

Falling and Fighting

Ugh! My heart overwhelms my brain, my feelings lie but so does my commonsense. The only one I can come put my trust in is God, but I've wronged Him so. He doesn't deserve a servant like me. Servant? how dare I even put myself in that category. I want to do right but I fear failure. I want to back down but I fear turning my back on His plan. I pray and trust that He'll guide me, but I can't be free of this battle. I'm sick of it. Sometimes it's almost easier to want to turn your back on Him. That sounds awful, but it's the truth. I may want to, but I won't. Life with battles is far better than life without my Savior. That is no life at all. I'll keep going...

God forgive me and give me the strength to continue.

"Trials Turned to Gold"

Have you ever awoken to the words "Oh Lord, forgive the times I tried to read Your mind. Cause you said if I'd be still then I would hear Your voice"? Yeah, if God was ever trying to get my attention, well that would be the way to do it. Actually that IS what happened just a while ago. Those words from one of my favorite Keith Green songs just cut my heart. It's amazing how something as simple as a single line of lyrics can be so convicting. You can feel God's spirit just pulsing through the veins of his music, and each time it brings new meaning to you. I'm so tired of trying to do things on my own strength, trying to "figure out my own life." Or even worse, hoping that my loved ones will make these important decisions for me. There is only One Who I need to depend on to guide my decisions, and sadly, so often He is the last one I come to for help. But I can't live that way any longer, I never should have tried to in the first place. So I take these two lines and make them my prayer right now. And I'll keep trying to live only for Him.

Looking back and forward

I spent the afternoon looking through what seemed like hundreds of pictures to single out a measly thirty for my graduation slide show. I cant believe I'm graduating in only two months!! I've lived such a huge chunk of my life in one type of routine. Being a devout creature of habit and despisor of change, I can't imagine what it will be like to suddenly be doing something different with my life. But it's so very exciting at the same time; I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am actually starting to look forward to taking this next step!! However, staring at pictures of me as a little girl does make me think back a lot. I'll never admit it to your face, but I have changed a lot already. I guess I'm finally starting to grow up :-). Never thought THAT would happen!! Oh well, life is just full of little surprises!! Heehee, well I hear a Alison Krauss song playing in the other room that's just calling out for someone to come dance to it! Till next time...
Queen of the Cats

Beautiful spring days

Sunshine, cool breezes, friends to laugh with, and two fluffy cats: what a lovely way to begin my spring break. I love having time off to just be able to take a breath, pause and look around myself for a moment. Sometimes I get so caught up in perfecting things that I forget about the big picture. Yesterday I got to go on a hike; I don't even remember the last time I did that. It was lovely. To be outside with the sun falling on your face and the beauty of God's creation surrounding you on every side is a joy that I wish everyone in the would could have the opportunity of experiencing. It breaks my heart when I talk to people that have forgotten how to enjoy life. They simply don't care anymore; maybe they never did. No, but that isn't true. They did care, and they did notice even the smallest of beauties. But it was when they were very small. It often takes a child to be able to put life in the kind of perspective that one would think an adult should be able to. I hope I never completely fall away from appreciating all the joy surrounding me in this world that I'm so blessed to live in. Some days I feel as if I'm already losing more and more of that innocence. The innocence of a child is one of the saddest things that a person could lose. I felt rather out of touch with that this morning.

God I pray that You would always remind me of Your glory in the beauty of the world around me, and through the simplicity of a child's eyes.

I am understood

I love this song by Relient K because it expresses the way God is able to look into my heart and see what no one else can, not even I. Sometimes it's so difficult to try to make others understand, I choke and hide. With God, I don't need to hide. There is a sense of vulnerability any time you are that open, but above all a gratefulness simply to be understood...

Sometimes its embarrassing to talk to You

To hold a conversation with the only One Who sees right through this version of myself

I try to hide behind

I bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for Your loyalty

Your love regardless of the mistakes I've made will spoil me

My confidence is, in a sense, a gift You've given me

And I'm satisfied to realize You're all I'll ever need

Then You looked into my life and never stopped

And You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful

And You recite my words right back to me

Before I even speak You let me know I am understood

And sometimes I find myself just trying to escape

I work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space

Cause I want distance from the most important thing I know

I see Your love and turn my back and beg for You to go

Then You looked into my life and never stopped

And You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful

And You recite my words right back to me

Before I even speak You let me know I am understood

You're the only One Who understands completely

You're the only One Who loves me and still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words

When i think of something worthy, I know that it's already Yours

Through the times I've faded and You've outlined me again

You've just patiently waited to bring me back and then

You looked into my life and never stopped

And You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful

And You recite my words right back to me

Before I even speak You let me know

I am understood