Ultimate Christian Emo

For the Moments I Feel Faint

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Am I at the point of no improvement?

What of the death I still dwell in?

I try to excel, but I feel no movement

Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

*~*~*

Never underestimate my Jesus

You're telling me that there's no hope

I'm telling you you're wrong

Never underestimate my Jesus

When the world around you crumbles

He will be strong, He will be strong

*~*~*

I throw up my hands. Oh the impossibilities!

Frustrated and tired, where do I go from here?

Now I'm searching for the confidence I lost so willingly

Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears

*~*~*

Never underestimate my Jesus

You're telling me that there's no hope

I'm telling you you're wrong

Never underestimate my Jesus

For when the world around you crumbles

He will be strong, He will be strong

*~*~*

I think I can't, I think I can't

But I think You can, I think You can

I think I can't, I think I can't

But I think You can, I think You can

Gather my insufficiencies and place them in Your hands

Place them in Your hands

Place them in Your hands

*~*~*

~*~*Relient K*~*~

To Sum Up My First Semester of College

Looking back on my journal notebook from last semester's English class... not really much worth reading, just a couple things to share. Keep in mind that all these entries were written in about 15 minutes each. Just some thoughts to start class with. I guess this is a good way to prepare my self for a new semester. Glance back in life then move on...

August 21, 2006

Friendships are such difficult things for me to maintain. It is quite amusing, actually. I am capable of talking; in fact, I am rather too good at it once I get my momentum going. And I enjoy people so very much. My sister often says I am quite incapable of saying negative things about people (which is rather debatable, in my opinion). So how is it possible that most of my friends now or only ever have been more like acquaintances to me? The Bible says that "to have friends, one must show himself friendly." Perhaps that is where i begin to fall short. I am a friendly girl, but I lack the ability to be outgoing. Shyness creeps in and I choke and snap shut like a clam no matter how great my desire to speak. I feel God around me constantly, tugging at my heart and pushing me to reach out to someone, to show compassion, friendship, and love to a heart in need.

Father, teach me to be more like You, to see things through the eyes of a stranger, and to show friendship the way You would.

August 28, 2006

Moving on is one of the hardest things to do in life. Even for those rare and gifted people who claim they live solely "in the moment" and never dwell on the past, there has been times however invisible to the casual observer, when the depressing feeling of regret has crept upon them. I struggle with this often. Naturally, I understand that feelings of guilt have been put on my spirit by my Lord to cause genuine repentance and remorse for my wrongdoing. What about those emotions following the repentance then? Sometimes they feel even worse than my initial reaction to sin. Those feelings are put there by my ultimate enemy not to convict me, but to condemn me of a crime I have already been forgiven of. The only way to be free, is to cry out to God to protect me from Satan's wicked deceit. It is never easy to move on, but the truth found in God's Word and in His voice speaking to my heart can begin the liberating process.

Praise you Jesus for offering me a way to be free from myself!

September 18, 2006

The grace of God is His most incredible and beautiful gift to mankind. As mere mortals, how are we to deserve anything less than destruction, utter damnation, or to be zapped into nothing in the blink of an eye. Even my slightest sin stings my conscience and brings me to a certain level of depression and defeat. Yet God in His holy perfection, the same God who died for me in the first place, continues to pour out upon me an abundance of His blessings and miracles. I sin, I repent, God forgives and never looks back, and we continue our walk hand-in-hand as if there was nothing to ever draw our spirits apart. I live off this grace of His; I need it and desire it so desperately that when I am separated from it even in the slightest, I fall completely apart. My mind does not function, my heart hardens. I live in hypocrisy and bitterness. With God, there is the pain of conviction, but even greater is the fulfillment of living a life worthy of His calling and continued guidance.

I am NOTHING without you, my Father!

Queen of the Cats

Lost in My World

I live in a little house in the desert. I live far out from all civilization, away from the people, the noise, crowds, and movement. Far from the crying, screaming, pain, and anguish my fellow mankind is faced with in the day-to-day. I live in a little cerulean blue house, the tackiest of all colors for a desert home; it sticks out like a sore thumb against the shadowed landscape. My little house is set far out in the midst of a vast and sparse valley. From my front yard I can see for miles in all directions. I can see the sun rise over the edge of the horizon in the cool of the morning and I can see the sun set behind the golden brown mountains at the end of each day. I can watch animals, wild and untamable as some believe myself to be, chase and kill, fight and fall. I walk around my home and collect the few bones that remain of what was earlier a whole being, a beautiful life. I live in a little house in the desert. From the window I watch as the shadows of unknown beings pass down the highway a mile from my home. The highway I despise more and more with each coming year, for I swore never to return to it, and its constant reminder of the past I have left haunts me day and night. The people I loathe even more. I cannot see them each individually, but I know that they laugh at me. I know that they point their fingers and tease, calling me a failure and an outcast, one who's perfect life could suddenly turn so pitiful and useless. I hate them. I live in a little house in the desert. I close my door and lock all my windows, shutting out the world and its cruel ways. I ran away many years ago, frightened yet living in the perfect knowledge of the path I should choose. I turned and walked the other way. I do not cry now. I do not fear. I close. I close doors. I close windows. I close my heart in bitterness and anger. This is all I know; this is all I will ever feel.
The sad part is, the lives they live out there are, in their own way, as pathetic and worthless as mine is. What cuts to the depths of my soul is that there is no one to warn them of the cruel dangers that inhabit my body and mind, now that I live in a little house in the desert.

(Inspired by Cowboy Jon on my very first horse ride yesterday :-)
Queen of the Cats