Desperately needing to get my thoughts in order.
I'm so hungry right now its not even funny, and I feel like I've been running on a mess of warn out emotions all day.
Went to a concert at church tonight, that was fun. Also ran into a friend that I haven't seen in at least a year or two...wild.
Watched a movie this afternoon about widows in India...heartbreaking and caused me to think...never a good thing.
I've started to feel really lonely again, and I don't know why. It's really stupid. I'll be alone and all I can think about is how very much I want someone to talk to, someone who cares and really wants to be my friend. Then, the moment I'm around these people I only find excuses to get away. I think something's wrong with me. I want fellowship, but it scares me when I get it. I'm tired of this feeling of loneliness that I can't seem to shake anymore. It's around me all the time lately. I feel like there's something big I'm missing, something to cure me of this once and for all. I've been keeping close to Jesus...although, I have felt spiritual battles stronger of late. I don't understand, mostly because I've never really had trouble making and keeping friends before. There were times in my childhood that I became discouraged from lack of really GOOD friends, but at least they were there. Now I have even better friends around me than I could ever imagine, but I make no attempt to take advantage of this gift. I avoid them, I'm rude and reclusive. I don't always come across this way, thank goodness, but I constantly struggle with feeling it. Sometimes I feel like I'm crying inside and there's no one to listen. And you know what? Most of this is probably all my fault...maybe no one's listening to me because I don't let them or want them to. But I don't want to become the person who's always forcing her problems and emotions on other people; that's not who I am at all. I'd rather hold everything in and unload on my trusty blog or in prayer to my Father than have to talk to an actual person who could let me down, break my heart, or get annoyed with my presence. I don't like to admit this, especially about people...but I've been disappointed a lot, especially in the last year. I tried so hard to hold onto friends I thought I could trust, then rushed into pouring out my heart in large chunks hoping for some relief and support. All I got was hurt again and again. Now I'm just really tired of trying.
I give tonight's heavy heart to Jesus, because He alone understands.
Queen of the Cats
I'm so hungry right now its not even funny, and I feel like I've been running on a mess of warn out emotions all day.
Went to a concert at church tonight, that was fun. Also ran into a friend that I haven't seen in at least a year or two...wild.
Watched a movie this afternoon about widows in India...heartbreaking and caused me to think...never a good thing.
I've started to feel really lonely again, and I don't know why. It's really stupid. I'll be alone and all I can think about is how very much I want someone to talk to, someone who cares and really wants to be my friend. Then, the moment I'm around these people I only find excuses to get away. I think something's wrong with me. I want fellowship, but it scares me when I get it. I'm tired of this feeling of loneliness that I can't seem to shake anymore. It's around me all the time lately. I feel like there's something big I'm missing, something to cure me of this once and for all. I've been keeping close to Jesus...although, I have felt spiritual battles stronger of late. I don't understand, mostly because I've never really had trouble making and keeping friends before. There were times in my childhood that I became discouraged from lack of really GOOD friends, but at least they were there. Now I have even better friends around me than I could ever imagine, but I make no attempt to take advantage of this gift. I avoid them, I'm rude and reclusive. I don't always come across this way, thank goodness, but I constantly struggle with feeling it. Sometimes I feel like I'm crying inside and there's no one to listen. And you know what? Most of this is probably all my fault...maybe no one's listening to me because I don't let them or want them to. But I don't want to become the person who's always forcing her problems and emotions on other people; that's not who I am at all. I'd rather hold everything in and unload on my trusty blog or in prayer to my Father than have to talk to an actual person who could let me down, break my heart, or get annoyed with my presence. I don't like to admit this, especially about people...but I've been disappointed a lot, especially in the last year. I tried so hard to hold onto friends I thought I could trust, then rushed into pouring out my heart in large chunks hoping for some relief and support. All I got was hurt again and again. Now I'm just really tired of trying.
I give tonight's heavy heart to Jesus, because He alone understands.
Queen of the Cats
