Random Thoughts...

Putting together the pieces after falling apart is never easy. Gah, I speak as if I were some kind of middle-aged clinically insane loser. My mind isn't exactly working tonight, but bear with for I need something to get back on track before I finish my homework for tomorrow.

School has been great. And I really mean that. Although I despise composition. You know, I shouldn't, but I do. It's just one of those things I guess. I hate the work, and I hate the deadlines...blah. I shall never become a journalist, you can bet on that one.

My teachers are nice. Some more normal than others, but there is no standard definition for normality when you really think about it, right? For anyone who had their doubts, community college is the smartest thing ever and yes I am horribly biased with no alternate experience.

Grrr, I have been so tired. I actually took a nap right along with the kid I was babysitting tonight. I can't seem to get enough sleep lately. Maybe it's due to the fact that I haven't really been sleeping at night. Yes, there is such a thing called studying...I do it...at the last minute, yes, but still that's pretty impressive if you ask me.

My friends have been wonderful to me these past few weeks. I'm still looking for someone I can really trust outside of the family. My sister will always be my best friend, but I'd really love to find someone my own age as a sort of accountability partner and such. It's been hard. I don't make new friends as easily now as I used to and it takes so long to become truly close to someone. I've been pretty discouraged. The brokenness last week was incredible, but now I'm depending on God to build me up again. Trying to stay close to Him despite everything that's been pulling me down. It would be nice to have someone to talk to. I never cared about things like that before, maybe that's why I never made a really close friend.

I've also been feeling pretty lonely lately. I know that's stupid, and a lie from the enemy. I've tried to shake it by staying in the word and close to God in prayer, but it keeps creeping in. I feel like this battle won't leave me lately. Even when I'm with people, I feel like there's no way they could possibly want to be around me. I feel uncomfortable, and look for the first excuse to leave. I know this is all so silly, there's no back-up for these deductions I come to but I let them take over anyways.

I guess to sum it all up. I'm forgiven by God's grace yet still just barely being held together. And this is mostly all based on feeling, mind you. Feelings are evil, and I despise them. So much deeper than that, I am filled with joy if not perfect contentedness. And I am blessed by so much despite the fact that I feel defeated.

Well I will go now and finish my work before I fall completely asleep at the computer.

Queen of the Cats