Fire in the Night

"I've started to feel really lonely again, and I don't know why. It's really stupid. I'll be alone and all I can think about is how very much I want someone to talk to, someone who cares and really wants to be my friend. Then, the moment I'm around these people I only find excuses to get away. I think something's wrong with me. I want fellowship, but it scares me when I get it. I'm tired of this feeling of loneliness that I can't seem to shake anymore. It's around me all the time lately. I feel like there's something big I'm missing, something to cure me of this once and for all. I've been keeping close to Jesus...although, I have felt spiritual battles stronger of late. I don't understand, mostly because I've never really had trouble making and keeping friends before. There were times in my childhood that I became discouraged from lack of really GOOD friends, but at least they were there. Now I have even better friends around me than I could ever imagine, but I make no attempt to take advantage of this gift. I avoid them, I'm rude and reclusive. I don't always come across this way, thank goodness, but I constantly struggle with feeling it. Sometimes I feel like I'm crying inside and there's no one to listen. And you know what? Most of this is probably all my fault...maybe no one's listening to me because I don't let them or want them to. But I don't want to become the person who's always forcing her problems and emotions on other people; that's not who I am at all. I'd rather hold everything in and unload on my trusty blog or in prayer to my Father than have to talk to an actual person who could let me down, break my heart, or get annoyed with my presence. I don't like to admit this, especially about people...but I've been disappointed a lot, especially in the last year. I tried so hard to hold onto friends I thought I could trust, then rushed into pouring out my heart in large chunks hoping for some relief and support. All I got was hurt again and again. Now I'm just really tired of trying.I give tonight's heavy heart to Jesus, because He alone understands."

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I wrote this section of a blog October 15, 2006, almost a year ago now. It's funny that I happened to come across it just now while looking through some old stuff, because I'm struggling with these same emotions now, today, and lately. It's actually more depressing now when I think about it, because to me it marks yet another year that I have neglected to surrender every aspect of my life, heart, and emotions to my Savior. Another year passes and I still daily battle the gnawing pain of loneliness and emptiness. Another year that adds to the bitterness I feel in regard to those around me, the pain I sometimes want to cause them simply because they are near. The distrust of adults and leaders who are there to help, the frustration with my peers, the hatred of the world and all it has become.

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My own isolation is not just an isolation that is physical, for I somehow feel that type could be remedied; no, much more complex is the isolation that is mental, that is emotional. The type that leaves you void of feeling when around others because you fear having to face the dark painful corners of your own heart. The type of isolation that wears a mask of happiness, of normality. The type of isolation that blinds you not only to the fact that the majority of the happy and normal faces you pass on the street are actually battling these same lies, fighting this same darkness, but also that blinds you to the path that leads out.

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I love camping, nearly everything about it. My favorite part, however, is enjoying the campfires, especially while camping in the winter. The flames are so lovely to stare at. They dance and flicker with every breathe of the wind, every dry crackling of the wood beneath. They draw moths to their light and folks to their warmth. They hypnotize and satisfy, casting a simple contentedness and joy over all those surrounding like a magic spell.

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Yet turn your back to the flames, take a few steps, and what do you feel now? An instant chill consumes the entire body, extremities first then reaches even unto the depths of the heart. A darkness so vast and so hopelessly empty, yet at the same moment filled with all manners of unspeakable terror. The gloom stretches out straight before you, the shadows of the closest trees still partially illuminated by the fire you have turned your back on, yet beyond that...nothing. But something inside desires that nothing. Some lonely, desperate part of you finds the bleakness so inviting and the danger so curious. We are drawn by the curiosity. We reach out to the invitation.

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Loneliness is inviting. It is safe. Moreover, it is addictive. And I am it's addict. I have been since I was a very young child. I love the Lord, yet I have spent most of my life trying to run from the fire in hopes of finding some bit of earthly acceptance that will redeem and satisfy me. The conclusion I have come to: I will never find what I am looking for in this world. Not in a friend, not in a spiritual leader, not in my family (whom I love dearly), and not even in a husband. The only chance I have at a worthy life and fulfilling transformation is to latch fully onto Him before it is too late. To forsake all others and follow my Savior. To desire His love and unrelenting acceptance above all else. And I truly do.

Father, help me; I am once again in need of grace.

Queen of the Cats