Looking back on my journal notebook from last semester's English class... not really much worth reading, just a couple things to share. Keep in mind that all these entries were written in about 15 minutes each. Just some thoughts to start class with. I guess this is a good way to prepare my self for a new semester. Glance back in life then move on...
August 21, 2006
Friendships are such difficult things for me to maintain. It is quite amusing, actually. I am capable of talking; in fact, I am rather too good at it once I get my momentum going. And I enjoy people so very much. My sister often says I am quite incapable of saying negative things about people (which is rather debatable, in my opinion). So how is it possible that most of my friends now or only ever have been more like acquaintances to me? The Bible says that "to have friends, one must show himself friendly." Perhaps that is where i begin to fall short. I am a friendly girl, but I lack the ability to be outgoing. Shyness creeps in and I choke and snap shut like a clam no matter how great my desire to speak. I feel God around me constantly, tugging at my heart and pushing me to reach out to someone, to show compassion, friendship, and love to a heart in need.
Father, teach me to be more like You, to see things through the eyes of a stranger, and to show friendship the way You would.
August 28, 2006
Moving on is one of the hardest things to do in life. Even for those rare and gifted people who claim they live solely "in the moment" and never dwell on the past, there has been times however invisible to the casual observer, when the depressing feeling of regret has crept upon them. I struggle with this often. Naturally, I understand that feelings of guilt have been put on my spirit by my Lord to cause genuine repentance and remorse for my wrongdoing. What about those emotions following the repentance then? Sometimes they feel even worse than my initial reaction to sin. Those feelings are put there by my ultimate enemy not to convict me, but to condemn me of a crime I have already been forgiven of. The only way to be free, is to cry out to God to protect me from Satan's wicked deceit. It is never easy to move on, but the truth found in God's Word and in His voice speaking to my heart can begin the liberating process.
Praise you Jesus for offering me a way to be free from myself!
September 18, 2006
The grace of God is His most incredible and beautiful gift to mankind. As mere mortals, how are we to deserve anything less than destruction, utter damnation, or to be zapped into nothing in the blink of an eye. Even my slightest sin stings my conscience and brings me to a certain level of depression and defeat. Yet God in His holy perfection, the same God who died for me in the first place, continues to pour out upon me an abundance of His blessings and miracles. I sin, I repent, God forgives and never looks back, and we continue our walk hand-in-hand as if there was nothing to ever draw our spirits apart. I live off this grace of His; I need it and desire it so desperately that when I am separated from it even in the slightest, I fall completely apart. My mind does not function, my heart hardens. I live in hypocrisy and bitterness. With God, there is the pain of conviction, but even greater is the fulfillment of living a life worthy of His calling and continued guidance.
I am NOTHING without you, my Father!
Queen of the Cats
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